“Try not to confuse attachment with love. Attachment is about fear and dependency and has more to do with love of self than love of another. Love without attachment is the purest love because it isn’t about what others can give you because you’re empty. It is about what you can give others because you’re already full.”
- by Yasmin Mogahed
A note I wrote to my future daughter when I was a teen:
In my opinion you love every person differently. If you try to love someone the same way you tried to love someone else, youll fail. YOull look for traits in a person you will never find. Love is such a wondeful feeling. But don’t forget:
Being in – love and having a crush is different.
Love is deep, solid, and you know it wont go away for quite some time.
A crush makes you all giggly, exited and is not permanent. Love will go away slowy, and one day youll notice it is gone without feeling remose. A crush goes away quick, but you want it back so bad it hurts inside.
Enough babbling, Let me tell you about Her.
I never told anyone. I don’t tell people. If I would be famous everyone would care about this… but I am not. So its just a silly little secret of mine, that nobody cares about, but means the world to me.
I don’t think I ever needed someone like I needed her. I don’t think I ever noticed the small things. I noticed the whole big. I noticed the things that I thought where Important unconciously. I didn’t know it was an obsession. I atfirst thought it was love. But only after. During the time i knew her i didnt refelct, I didn’t think. I just was.
I would have never imagined that my behaviour and my feelings would be more than friendship. But it should have been clear. I was everything she was. Said yes and amen to everything she said. She had her on struggles and issues. Mine where gone when she was with me. I fogot everything around me, living in a bubble. She didn’t feel the same thing for me. She did not need me. She was not a nice person at that time. Now I know it is because she allways acted like she was someone she was not. She didnt fulllfill what she wanted, and allways had a mask on. I for my part was weak around her. I did not have a personality anymore. I did not know who I was. She manipulated me. I don’t think she knew. My dreams where crushed, i did not have hopes. I knew nothing. My bubble was shut and there was no escape. Probably that’s the reason i forgot everything damaging about her. I craved to be liked by her. It felt wrong, not to.
The first time I met her I did not have friends. I never had real friends. I did not know how friendships worked and never knew my limit. My parents and hers stood next to me when she came through the doorframe. Her hair was wet from showering, and she was all fresh. It was around christmas time. I for my part was all stinky, had old clothes on and was just mezmarized by the girl with the dyed, blond hair infront of me. We both did not know what to say. At that point in my life, I didn’t know who I was. I was most vunrable. We went to the cinema together that day. While we where walking there, she asked me “DO you like to talk during the movie, or rather watch it.” I looked at her uncertain, not wanting to say the wrong thing. So I made her answer her own question first, and then agree on what she thought. It was the first time in a long time I said something that wasn’t true, so the person liked me more. But this time it was different. This time I didn’t even know if it was true, because I didn’t know myself jet. So the next few months unconcously was a new me developed, that wasn’t even me. But I loved it, this time. I loved having someone. I loved the feeling that someone wanted truly me, for the first time. I forgot while that that she only knew a not really-true part of me. I was just happy that someone finally wanted to spend time with me. I was living in my bubble and I was happy. I didn’t know how friendships worked. I didn’t know how communication worked. But that was fine for her. We did it our way. We saw each other each day…made plans each day…she was my everything. My center that held me from falling. In the time I didn’t even know that I was on the verge of falling.
For me, it wasn’t about sexuality, it was about the feeling she gave me. I would never say now, that I was in love. Yes, I loved her. But I also was consumed by her. I was protected, and lived for the feeling she gave me. It took me long to reflect that, and even think about it afterwards. During everything, it felt unreal, and I didn’t think. I did. It was the first time I ever felt “normal”. But it wasn’t normal. It was toxic what we had. We where young, but we sent eachother through emotions and thoughts teen – year-olds shouldn’t have. It ended after a few months. With one fight. It was about something useless, but it ended.
Dear Her; yes you! You will always be my biggest “what if?” You where never mine, but loosing you broke my heart into shattered pieces!
I only had you.. And all of a sudden, I had nothing. Only when you loose something, you notice how special it was too you. Do I still think of you? Everyday. I don’t know what we where. But You are not mine to miss, but I still miss. I cant tell you how many times I have fallen asleep with you on my mind, and woke up the same. I cant go anywhere anymore, without you. You are everywhere. In my room, in my bed. On the sidewalk. In a persons smile and in the sound of wind brushing past my skin. The smell. Everywhere. I cant await the day I forget. I withdraw. I don’t want to feel the way you make me feel afterwards. The way you make me feel…now. I am diying to know if you ever, even once where the way I was for you! I cant wait for the day I don’t want to know anymore. I saw you in my dreams again. I always used to say: “Never stop dreaming. It’s the only thing that holds you from turning crazy.” And now, Id rather be crazy. But at the same time, I want to hold you, I want to talk to you. I want to see your smile and I want to touch your lips. I want to be the one who you want to be there when you cry. I want to be the one, who is there for you! Why did you leave? We both where so different than the rest, and I liked that shit. But now, its just me…being different. That shit is good too, but its like Im missing something. Now I have to recreate myself again, too be able to be different…alone.
I skipped school for years, went through dozens of phases such as depression that I still have today; and ended up where I am today. I built myself up again. I didn’t have any person to call mine in that time. I kind of know who I am but I don’t. I don’t have too. But I am weak. And I know I could be pushed down the cliff anytime again. I am ready for the downfall.
P.S. I don’t want you to ever suffer through that. You don’t deserve that kind of pain. Ill try to protect you. Allways!
“The Best thing I did was stop fighting for someone who was okay with loosing me”
Why are you here? Probably because someone hurt you in the past. I don’t know if you are fully over it jet, or not. But what helped me in that time afterwards was depression and reminders like these:
Getting no message is also a message
But Im NOT here to show you your first few steps after loosing someone. I am here to show you how I reflected and healed. If you picked up this chapter right after you lost a person, I would say rather go to the “Hope; the wrong way” chapter. More important is for you you going on your journey for a few months alone. Take rest. Overthink. Recover. Go through the stages of grief, without any advice or help! Come back to this chapter in a few months, when you think you don’t think about a person constantly, anymore! Now for the others, lets finally begin:
(n.) no longer feeling an affection for someone you once loved
(n.) a nostalgic longing to be near again to something or someone that is distant, or that has been loved and then lost; “the love that remains”
It doesn’t matter in which of those states you are. Neither less you still have wounds, and lessons you learnt. One of them probably is, that you now are more aware of someones intentions, or you developed trust issues. I did. Thus I still let everyone in, thus this time without the feeling of giving away control or dependency.
While dealing with loss, I pretended allot. I broke allot. I fixed allot. The stage I went through that led me to sucsess, wasn’t the “I will just pretend I don’t care”-phase. It was the “I am special. And if the person would want me, they would try to get me back”-phase. I accepted that I wont get another chance with her. I accepted that I could live with out her, and she without me. I accepted that I wanted her, but she probably didn’t want me. Unless she would try. I gave up fighting for her. I gave up, caring. This sounds so simple, but it was such a long process. It was such a long walk! The only medicine that really helped me was Time. Time will develop you. Time will make you feel things you don’t want to feel, but it will be worth it! Its part of your journey.
They say that if you loose someone, you go through 5 stages of grief:
I think about it a bit differently. This is what I went through:
Getting into the mindset of not needing anyone to be happy, was my greatest accomplishment.
- Nina N.N