What does depression feel like

Q: How to start over in life again?

maybe one day, when a teardrop falls down your eye, you’ll begin again. Without having hope that you will make it this time. Because then, you made it! You reached eternity!

Official Mental Health Blog for young adults, students and Teenagers by edisluve

Part 1: What does depression feel like? or the feeling of turning crazy!

“About the darkness in the light.”
– by Nina N.N, Edisluve

The absurd thought of someone feeling similar to me never came into my mind during the days my brain was on fire. I felt like I was turning crazy. Why did I feel like I am turning crazy?

I screamed a lot.

I ached a lot.

I cried a lot.

I prayed to allot.

Dreaming was my only escape from reality.

The fact, that I feel like I’m not there anymore after everything, doesn’t matter right now. It isn’t about how I think now, it is about how I felt back then; without the meds; without the help; without someone to hear my inner silence and terror. My world got upside down, my brain was on fire, my inner screams got louder, and… I lost myself.

I lost a part of myself; I didn’t even have.

In the time of chaos (depression), I had my actual “turning crazy”.

It was devastating. And now, I must deal with the after of my inner that was rebuilt. Do I want to care for something that caused me so much pain, and still does from time to time? The answer is that I don’t have a choice.

Depression is violent. You feel like you are turning crazy. Without merit.

Nobody can help you. The emotional pain is heart aching, and the silence within fracturing.

Thus the “after” bad depression or the turning crazy part (emotional rollercoaster of feelings crashing onto you then) is breath-taking. Then you know, you’ve turned crazy. You knew it. You told them. I told them.

The act of “after” depression is a journey in itself. Thus, I want to tell you about the time, during it. It is the beginning of the journey of “the special” ones. Well, not the beginning. But the actual birth or awakening of your emotions. I want to tell you about it. I want too to be someone for someone, I never had during my darkest times. I am here! It is okay!

It is a journey and process. One day, you’ll fall in love with it. And even if you don’t, and the decision to make the cuts, at least once, you had hope. Even if the world broke you. At least at one point in your life, you tried for something!

We always want what we don’t have, and we think we deserve the “bad”. But is the “bad”, “bad”? The day you will turn crazy, is the day, you’ll think differently about this. I know you don’t want to turn crazy. You fear it. I know, you maybe still think you want to need to be saved. But you already are deep down. It’s too late.

And even if the sun won’t come after the rain, you can learn to love the rain too. LET ME TELL YOU A SECRET: There was no rain at all.

I thought I was awake; thus, the truth is, I never woke up at all.

If you can relate a bit, hold onto that feeling! You are special! We are special. And maybe one day, when a teardrop falls down your eye, you’ll begin again. Without having hope that you will make it this time. Because then, you made it!

Thus, I can promise you one thing: Emotional suffering isn’t for nothing. There is a meaning to everything. And which meaning it will be in your case, only time can tell you!

Part 2: The reason the world scares me – What comes after depression …

“I wanted to be dead. No, that’s not quite right. I didn’t want to be dead, I just didn’t want to be alive”
-by Matt Haig, author of the book “Reasons to stay alive.”

This state is mind-breaking and pain in the soul. It is a journey that not everyone can or even should experience. The time Matt, the Author and writer of this quote started experiencing this silent takeover of his mind, he was 24 years old. I-, was 13.

“It is supposed to be bad. If it is, I deserve the pain. Thus, if it is good, I may be special. And this-, wasn’t meant for me. “
by edisluve, Nina NN

As a kid, I always had the fantasy of setting the entire world on fire. I never meant seriously, of course, but it helped me silently give revenge the pain the world caused me.

Well, I thought…

I was so scared, always so scared. I still am. The world scares me.

I know, it might sound hard to understand, thus I feel the angst so very deeply. My inner screams non-stop. If I focus and pay attention to it sometimes, in rare moments of strength, I can hear it. The panic-filled sound echoed into my soul, making my whole-body shake.

Funny it is, how I know so much about myself, and at the same time so little!

My point is, that I am scared, terrified inside. My emotions try to shut the voice down and soothe my inner child; which I got after my days of pain and silence; thus, the screaming doesn’t stop!

What went wrong? What happened, that I fractured into pieces of emotion? I don’t want to know. It could “heal” me.

And I feel way too asleep already, that I want to drift away even more.

I’m scared. Of the world. Thus the world,- loves me. But love,- breaks me. I feel way too much. And having positive feelings for the world is way more terrifying than the world itself.
by edisluve

Because when I feel for the world, I may be saved. And special people like me don’t want to be saved!

You see, it’s not important how old you are, how “normal”, “bad” or “good”. It can happen to anyone. It may always have been there, thus you surprised it, but it also may come by nothing. It doesn’t matter if you are funny, silent, insecure or a leader-type of person. It just matters that it is. And that can break you!

How to start over in life again?

maybe one day, when a teardrop falls down your eye, you’ll begin again. Without having hope that you will make it this time. Because then, you made it! You reached eternity!