I feel like I a currently dying, alone, alive all at once. I know nobody cares. I know nobody will understand. Thus I am here! So awake. SO present. I’ve been through something similar before. They call it depression. I call it wanting to be asleep, thus feeling way too awake. In the end, I knew I was never awake at all.
I write poems, and I write stories. I try to describe the unyielding feeling inside of me. I thought nobody would understand. And in the end, I was right. In the unknown lays the special. Do I want to e special? Someone once told me that I fit well, I deserve it! Thus f it is bad, do I too? I just want…more. More freedom. More love. More independence. More of it all.
Where is my head? Where is my soul? My heart. I don’t feel it. I never felt it. I am without substance inside, thus with so much fear. I knew it, I knew it all the time. This all isn’t real. Is it? I am confused. I feel crazy. I am crazy. Do I want to be crazy? I don’t want to be anything, anything at all!
My name is Nina. I got that name the day my parents adopted me. The day a star in the sky vanished from its spot and was never seen again. So much is going on in this world. The world is turning crazy. I am turning crazy. I am crazy. But we have been through that part before I describe my emotions in metaphors, in philosophy. I use the universe, and the sky, dreaming to maybe find myself in my own words again! I always say I write to you. Fort hem. For the others. Thus I write for myself. No, that sounds wrong. Not form e, thus me in me I don’t see or figure. Me, that is non-existent. I, nobody, not me nor my family will ever reach or get in touch with!
Maybe I am the key to the universe, maybe I am just a scorn of all the other ones next to me. Maybe I am just the breeze in the ocean, splashing my waves along the shaw.
If they would read this, they would say I am crazy. I would say I know. If they would read this, they would think I am arrogant and way too self-centred. I would say, I know! Who am I though? What is inside of me? Something went completely wrong.
And If I am a disappeared star in the sky, where have I gone?
So many questions and no answer.
I am so young. So young.
I felt hurt, I felt broken. I felt alone and in fear of the world itself. I feel so much. And at the same time, nothing at all.
Ideas cross my mind. Sparks of hope and fear of survival inside my heart. I want someone to tell me I am loved. I am gifted. I am okay. I want someone to tell me so badly that I am okay! I want someone to lie to me. I want someone to tell me to my face how beautifully flawless I am. Thus It wouldn’t help. The opposite would not too.
All my character, all my substance they see I imagine as an illusion. It is just the pieces of others I put together to fake my own. I don’t do it on purpose, of course, thus If I would, would they understand if they knew?
I wish deserve a safe place. Thus does a liar deserve such a selfish wish? I truly don’t do. I don’t want to e here anymore.
In rare moments like this, when I feel the unknown inside of me, I get reminded that I ain’t someone. I am just… without mercy… me. And this is nothing, nothing at all!