What is Borderline Personality disorder?
BPD is all at once and nothing at all. A lot of people today suffer from this mental condition. I am one of them. Here are my symptoms listed for BPD Diagnosis. Put into 4 parts, I try to bring over the actual facts of my own issues. Please note, that this is not conducted from any study or research. I a NOT an expert. These 4 parts come from my own emotional state I am currently in!
1 . Behavioural traits
– the incapability of being alone for too long
Physic touch thus distance. Crave for guidance and love but at the same time loneliness. BPD can be weird. This symptom gave me a lot of struggles in the beginning. Due to emotional rollercoasters, every second feels different!
– always in action / incapable of doing nothing “useful”
When I first started losing interest in my hobbies and likes I thought it was depression. Thus at the same time, I started trying to distract myself while being alone 24/7 with my phone or work. To have the feeling that I am living up to my own standards is necessary. In the end, it may be too much pressure… thus…who cares?
– runaway tendencies
This one is internal as external. As stated in the point above, distraction is a must. Confrontation with feelings and conflicts is hard to hold, so you rather run away. If it is by distraction, or really going outside and wandering through the streets in the cold.
– The difficulty of sticking to arrangements
The mantra “I stick to the words I say” has to allot of meaning to me… thus only in some situations. If an impulsive idea or mind change comes to the surface, I often regret making a promise I am not able to keep.
– drawn to addiction towards anything
Due to seeking distraction and safety often, the amount of consumption towards anything lies in the spirit. If it is drugs, a phone, a person… or just giving 100% for an idea; Keeping a healthy state of mind and abuse of substances is necessary.
– childish behaviour
It is really pathetic how I act sometimes. It looks like I am crazy, and I feel crazy. I scream. I cry. I talk in a childish voice. I get scared and have drastic mood swings. Does this happen to you too?
– giving 100% for an impulsive idea
Did you ever experience a small thought brushing your mind, and a second later you run after it like you would die if you would not? This manic behaviour can cause a lot of communication issues with other people if you have to belong to do something so bad for too long!
– when I want something, I get it!
Behavioural traits of BPD make you lose your mind from time to time. Not even thinking about how your behaviour may look from the outside, you either are really “put-together” or “a mess”. In between, there is everything and nothing at once.
2. Personality Traits
– the good capability of reflecting
I don’t know where it’s from, but anything I do, anything I think about… I have an open mind. In my case, it would be knowing anything and everything I do in a reflecting way… I know when I made a wrong decision, I know what’s wrong with me but I also know how to fix it. Yes, I have the ability to know how to fix anything and how to act to do it. Not many people can do that…
– no thinking thus a lot of thoughts
Imagine a sky full of clouds passing by. Some slower, some faster. Some start dropping their raindrops, others give you time to take their white colour in. Like my thoughts. They are always in motion… some are more persistent so that I notice, and others are just small moments as they are passing by. I could say I don’t focus on them really, they are there of course… but I learned not to focus too much on them and just let them pass by, so they don’t line up after another and start getting too much. Like when a cloud starts raining!
– paranoid thoughts
The moment I really started knowing I overthink too much, I paid closer attention to my thoughts telling me absurd unrealistic things which could happen or that others could think about me. Sometimes my paranoia is so persistent, I don’t go outside for days. other times it’s just a small thought that I forget the second after and just continue living on with my life.
– impulsive thoughts, behaviour and actions
I don’t want to say too much on this anything, really. It’s way to a big topic to put it in short words. But yes… it’s an issue and I hate it
– “god”- mode feeling from time to time
There are times really, when I think I am special. Not in an egoistic way… but rather in a way where I believe there is always someone watching me, and the world is only there for me to experience it. I don’t know how to explain it… I think it comes from only knowing my own perspective on the world and not knowing what it’s like to be in someone else’s body…
– scared of the world
– loss of reality / a lot feels unreal
An identity crisis feels like nothing really is real. I am not real. The world isn’t real. Its really emotionally tiring feeling this way. What helped me was actually touching things. Ripping a piece of paper apart each hour… Kinda trying to get in touch with realness again.
– hard time making clear decisions
You can see this in politics. So many ways to go, but so many opinions making it hard to choose “the right path”: I don’t think there is a right decision to make in any case. Between good and wrong, there are lots of different shades of colours, which make you human if you choose what’s really the best for yourself, and not the right thing to do in general.
– all-or-nothing thinking
This happened in the past, but not so often recently. It’s the black-and-white view. Either my life is going good, or it’s going pretty bad. But like I said in the comment before… this is just your brain tricking you into sabotage.
– manic phases
Life consists of different phases. Some only last a few seconds, others longer. You can have multiple phases at the same time. Like being really thoughtful in general, but also stopping to reflect properly. Manic phases for me contain mostly, not thinking straight. It’s like a part of my brain is asleep and I still somehow have to function. People tell me I act differently… I do things I would never have done before… But the most stressful thing is that I won’t realize and accept that I’m not doing good or that I am manic currently. It’s like I don’t care.
3. Emotional traits
– mood swings
It comes and goes… mood swings erupt in my everyday life… thus I have to learn to manage them without them overtaking my everyday life. A shift in mood could happen anytime and anywhere… a simple tricker such as a colour can change my mood, without me even noticing. In future I will write a blog post on this topic, so stay tuned!
– more deep/present emotions
Borderliners have the advantage/or disadvantage of feeling some emotions so very deeply. More than the normal case. Often I feel misunderstood because realizing emotions have such a big impact on every day more than they should be hard to deal with.
– emotions guide personality
This one is hard to explain… I see it as if I don’t really have a personality, but rather emotions which reflect my personality. They change and vary each second, creating new thoughts, personas and in general… me.
4. Human interactional traits
– looking for “the person” in life
Every day dreamt about a “favourite” person? A bond so strong it makes you so attached that it feels right but so wrong at the same time… well… that’s not the usual case! Yes, everyone needs love… but having the craving or even having a real soul mate in this case could make or break one’s personal mental health. So it’s really important not to create as strong bonds as they are vital.
– craving attention
– either feeling numb or everything for a person
this is the black-white thinking again. Sometimes I feel the need to push good people out of my life not because I dislike them, but because I don’t feel anything for them really. It’s like forcing myself to spend time with them and being annoyed by them.
– the bad capability of showing empathy sometimes
STRONG EMOTIONS FOR MYSELF. LIGHT EMOTION FOR EMPATHY.